Living With Lycanthropy
by Queen Raja
Summary: A closer look into the transformations of Remus Lupin and the aftermath. Begins after he was first bitten, and spanning through the years as he learns to navigate what life means for someone like him.


**Hi again everybody! I know I'm sort of straying away from my usual McGonagall fics, but I've always enjoyed Remus as a character and wanted to write something about him. He's the character I probably identify with the most, because I live with an invisible disability and I find his character to be an amazing parable for life with a disability. Or maybe I'm just reaching. Hell if I know. But I figured since I have some shared life experiences with Lupin, I'd try my hand at writing him. Let me know if you want me to continue this story!**

Five-year-old Remus felt funny. Not funny in the way that he felt like laughing, as he often did on the playground with all of his friends. Not funny like he wanted to crack a joke, or do an impression. Just... funny. Like his whole body was tingling. And his brain was buzzing. And he wasn't really hungry. And...

His wound from where that mean creature bit him really hurt. He thought it was starting to feel better after a week or so, but now it felt just like when he was first bit. That's where the tingling feeling was coming from, he was sure of it.

He couldn't bring himself to care though. His parents said he could have the whole week off from school! His excitement at being able to stay at home and watch cartoons all day far outweighed what his body was feeling. Even if school was mostly coloring and talking about shapes. He had no idea why they were being so nice, but he wasn't going to ask twice. He was finally going to be free, and this would be the best week of his life.

It was, without a doubt, the worst week of his life.

He didn't remember much. But he knew he had been alone. And being alone is scary. But more scary was the way he felt. He knew he had gone mad. All he could smell was blood. He didn't know if it was his or someone else's at the time, but the smell was so strong. He never knew what blood smelled like before this past week. He thought it would smell bad, but the more he smelled, the more he craved it. He found out later the blood was, in fact, his own. He had open cuts all over his body, which he must have given himself. He didn't want to hurt himself, but as he said before, he'd gone mad.

He was stuck in a very small, fenced-in area in his backyard. He thought he'd freeze to death when his father left him there with all the snow on the ground, but the snow actually felt nice to cool down his body, which felt like it was on fire. He howled, for it was the on,y sound that would escape him. He was so scared. He could remember that much. He was _so _scared. He didn't know how long he would be left out there. All he knew is that when his brain finally stopped buzzing and he could think clearly again, most of the white snow covering the ground was painted red.

He didn't know what was wrong with him. And more importantly, where were his parents? He cried, "Mummy! Daddy! Help me!" But they did not answer. His whole body felt weak. Some of his muscles were dancing from overuse, like they did when he spent too long on the jungle gym. Why would his parents leave him out here like this? Were they sick of him, and decided they'd had enough? Did they do this to him?

He couldn't remember how any of this started. He just wanted to sleep. He just. Wanted. To sleep.

He didn't know how long he had been asleep, but by the time he woke up, he was back in his own bed, and felt loads better. He looked over at his bedside clock, and saw that it's was nearing 6pm. That information would have been helpful if he knew what day it even was.

He heard a faint noise, and crept up to his closed bedroom door to listen to what it was. It was his mother, sobbing. _Why would she be upset?_ he thought. _Is it because of me?_ He opened the creaky door as quietly as he could and met his mother in the kitchen. She was leaned over the table, with her head in her hands. He'd never heard such a sound come out of anybody, let alone his own mother. He instinctually knew it was his fault. He wished he could remember what he did wrong. He went behind her legs and gave them a great big squeeze. He was about to cry himself, and he didn't even know why.

"I'm sorry, Mum. I didn't mean to make you sad."

She sobbed even harder at his words, but she turned around and picked him up so he was at her eye level, and held him in her embrace. It was only then did he notice his father was in the room, decidedly not making eye contact with him. The man wouldn't even turn his head in Remus's general direction. He even went as far as to turn his back on the scene.

Remus must have been bad. That's the only solution he could think of. He must have done something very wrong, and now his papa hated him. He called out his name from his mother's arms: "Daddy?" But he walked away. Out of the house. To who knows where. It was then that Remus allowed himself to cry too.

X?

The next day, he must have overslept. When he woke up, it was already nearing lunchtime. He probably would have slept even longer if it weren't for aching in his bones. As he sat up, his spine let out a series of cracks in quick succession. It was quite scary for Remus, who still didn't know what was wrong with him.

The smell of bacon wafted from the kitchen, and it smelled _delicious. So _delicious_, _that Remus didn't even question why his mother was cooking breakfast this late. He ran to the kitchen as quickly as he could, which was relatively slow given the lingering muscle fatigue and general achiness. Laid out on the table were all of his favorite foods. The smell almost overcame him, but he knew it would taste wonderful. His mother turned around from her place at the stove and met his eyes with a big smile.

Too big. Even at age five, Remus knew his mother was forcing the expression. She told him to have a seat, and moved the bacon from the pan to his plate. Remus sat in the same chair he had always sat in, the one against the wall, giving him a good view of the rest of the small kitchen. His mother sat across from him, and carefully watched him eat. After a few minutes, she summoned the bravery to ask, "How are you feeling, little Remy?"

His head shot up. He was in trouble. He just knew it. He was in trouble for whatever he did when he went mad. "I'msosorryIdidn'tmeantoI'msosorry!" He cried. He had no idea what he had done, but he just wanted his mum back to the way she was. He never wanted to see her cry again.

Her expression was horrified. "Didn't mean to what?" she asked calmly.

"I didn't mean to go mad, I didn't mean to hurt anybody, I, didn't, mean, to." His voice was almost inaudible over the gasps and pants and tears stuck in his throat. His mother was quick to make her way around the table and grab him into a big hug. Unlike yesterday, now it was him crying in her arms. She lovingly stroked his back until he calmed down enough to regain his breath. His tears soaked through her shirt.

"Remus John Lupin," she said to him. He knew it was never a good conversation when she used his full name. "Look at me, Remy." He did, knowing his punishment would be less if he followed the rules. "None of this is your fault. None of it." She looked as if she were about to cry again, but she let the tears fall. "It's about time we have a little talk." She sat down with him still clutched to her chest like a monkey.

"I have to be honest, I don't really understand how all of this works. This whole world is new to me, too," she admitted. "But remember when that creature broke in through your bedroom window and bit you? That creature was a werewolf. A magical beast that's half human and half wolf," she explained. She and Lyall had agreed long ago that they wouldn't try to hide the magical world from Remus. They would both always be honest and answer any questions he had, despite her not knowing many of the answers herself being a muggle. Still, this was a conversation that needed to be had.

"When werewolves bite, they spread a..." She didn't want to use the word disease, it made it sound so scary. "...condition, called lycanthropy." His eyes widened at the new and unfamiliar word. This was it. She was going to tell him he had gone mad, and they were going to hate him forever. "It means that if a werewolf bites you, you turn into a werewolf, too," She put gently.

He didn't understand. "But... I thought you said I was a wizard? That's why all the lights flicker when I get upset. You said I was magic!"

"You still are, darling. This will only affect you during a full moon. It's really not a big deal." The tone of desperation was leaking through her voice. She didn't know who she was trying to convince; him or herself. "It's just... When you go through one of your— _phases—_ you'll transform into someone you won't even recognize. That's what happened to you a few days ago. You won't be able to think straight." She really hoped he was following this explanation.

"Is that why I stayed outside in the cold?" he asked, breaking her heart into a million tiny pieces.

"Yes, love. Your father says you can't be near anybody during a full moon. I strongly disagree with his choice of location, but he says it's just another thing I don't understand about your world." She couldn't stand to watch Remus outside in the snow, going through his own personal hell, without his mama to give him all the hugs and kisses he deserves.

"Sooo," he asked as understanding was starting to dawn on him. "This is going to happen to me every full moon?"

"Yes, baby. About once a month." He started to cry again at that news. He still had scratches all over, and he was so scared and cold and _alone_.

"Please don't cry, it will be alright. Look! Look what Mummy got you?" At that, she reached over to the edge of the table and pulled forth a large cake with Remus's name on it. He only ever got cake on his birthday, and those cakes were usually white with colorful frosting on top. This cake was brown, and the only pop of color was his name. It couldn't possibly taste good if it was brown.

"But... but... it's not my birthday. And the cake is brown!" At his outburst, the sink tap began to turn on, lead to a full gush of water that rivaled his tears.

"Of course it's not your birthday, but in a way, it almost is." His life would never be the same. He was reborn, in a way. "And the cake is brown because it's a very special cake. It's made of chocolate."

His tears halted as he waited for her to explain. "Unlike your father, I don't really know how things work in the magical world. But I know in my world, there's no problem that chocolate can't solve. It's like its own kind of magic. It turns any from upside-down." She leaned close to his ear, as if to whisper the secrets of the universe. "Chocolate is what happiness tastes like. Don't believe me? Try it." He didn't want to. It looked disgusting. What brown thing was ever good? "C'mon," she cajoled with a smile, scooping a small bite onto her fork. "Just one bite. You don't have to eat any more if you don't like it." He took a big breath in, put on his bravest face, and opened his mouth to receive the helping. He dared to move it around in his mouth with his tongue, really tasting it and—

Oh. Merlin.

It had to be the best thing he's ever tasted in his entire life. The tears were long forgotten as he took the fork out of his mother's hand and scooped another bite for himself. Laughing, she lifted him off of her lap and onto his chair, and she went to start the dishes. He never wanted to eat anything else in his entire life. Chocolate was easily his new favorite food. His mother was right; this food was magical.

As his mother turned back to the table to pick up more empty dishes, he saw her smile for the first time since the incident. And that made him smile, too.

Or maybe it was the chocolate. Either way, he knew that everything would be okay. Everything would be okay.

**What do you think? Worth continuing? Worth scrapping? I joined FF to become a better writer, so if there's any improvements at all to be made, please don't hesitate to let me know, as I always appreciate feedback, both positive and negative. I've never explored Remus as a character, let alone as a kid, so I apologize is anything was OOC. **


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